I traveled the world, worked with hundreds of people from all around the globe, shared my sources abundantly (time, energy, money, skills, capacities, talents…). I lived in big cities and small villages. I studied in 3 countries, made internships and worked as an educator in those and 6 more. I shared my knowledge with people through articles on my blog and in magazines for educators and home schooling parents, I made some statements and shared my opinions (on national TV stations, YouTube channels and through SM). I have built so many relationships and learned from each interaction I could.
But for some reason all the happiness that came from those experiences felt empty, short-term, superficial, insufficient to really feel it. I measured my value with my productivity, being always busy and tired because this way it’s visible how much I am killing myself to reach expectations (my own and of others, social). Sacrificing myself for the bigger cause, to prove my worth. It was never enough, not even when I was allowed and offered by employers that I can sleep in schools I worked at to save some time for resting, as I often worked from 7 AM to 10PM or even 12 AM on a few occasions.
Probably reality of the system programmed this way to exhaust us wouldn’t hit me so hard if I was raised and educated in non-violent, non-oppressive and non-abusive environment – this way I would have a chance to build strong foundation for my identity development, physical, mental and emotional well-being concept of holistic health and how to regulate myself. I would observe and learn boundaries, figure out my limitations and act on my strengths. I would know how to take care of myself when I was experiencing mobbing at the university or when I was being used, brainwashed and gaslighted at work.
But I didn’t. Because up to a certain point – all those situations felt familiar, normal.
I didn’t understand the consequences – I believed I am hardworking, ambitious, showing initiative, “being the change I wanted to see in the world” type of a person… I saw nothing wrong with meeting friends or family only once per few weeks or months even at times when we lived 20 km from each other, not having time to cook, but it’s OK when you have no time to go shopping anyway. So my eating habits changed again… I was losing hair, every half year gaining or losing 5-10 kg. Dealing with an extreme insomnia, weird pains in my body and suicidal thoughts for years I was trying to make a difference, learn as much as possible, teach others – change something. Until one day I met a person, who told me I needed help. That what I am experiencing is not “normal” and life shouldn’t feel this way.
I seemed not to have any survival instincts whatsoever. Constantly getting into the worst conflicts, the most toxic environments, feeling empty and tired of trying to communicate and being misunderstood, rejected and silenced. The dissonance between how my life was perceived, what I thought it was, what it really felt like and what I actually wanted was overwhelming.
I carried so much fear, insecurities, guilt and shame that it needed to explode at some point. And it did, when I attached all my identity to my occupation, to the role of an “authority” in my field. I didn’t know where “me, a person” was starting and ending and where “me, a teacher” stood in relation to it. I was absolutely confused and it was time to take a break from education. I was frustrated, depressed, experiencing panic attacks and with undiagnosed, untreated depression. I felt dead for months.
It took me years to truly understand why I and how to change it. Now I am ready to share that part of my JOURNEY.
Now I dedicate my life to replace the structures that hold people in physical, mental, emotional and spiritual slavery (victim mentality).
