A few years ago from the place of misery and despair I asked myself once again “What do I actually want in my life?”, “What am I waiting for, what is supposed to happen, when I will finally feel that I am alive, free and happy?” and some images and visualisations started to appear. I asked the right questions and finally my brain could help me to find the right answers. Instead of “what should I…” I decided to look for “what I want”.
And it’s not easy – morality and ethics standardized and simplified for the system along with religious upbringing mess with the sense of one’s autonomy, independence, sovereignty, essence, meaning and purpose of life and even finding out “what I WANT” seemed and felt selfish, egocentric and sinful (when I was still using this term). It was like taking a decision to leave everything and everyone behind me and thinking only of my own needs – it felt unnatural, uncomfortable and painful at times. I chose to embrace the fact that many of the closest people in my life already thought badly of me: I was always categorized as lazy, lost in my head, inattentive, selfish and narcissistic. Despite years of trying to change this narrative and show up for others it was never enough. As always in my stories: I am aware of many of the mistakes and failures on my part and I am not trying to blame anything or anyone – it’s just the context of the story. I try to share from which mindset I was coming from or with what background I was starting my journey.
So I left everything and everyone behind and started to hear only my own voice, my own needs, my desires.
I started to understand I don’t care at all about the things that others seem to care about: big TV, new phone now and then, cars, brands – material world. I cared and longed for silence, nature, privacy and learning how to come back to my natural rhythms, cycles and seasons.
I didn’t want children nor my own flat with a credit for 30 years. I didn’t want a stable, “normal” job nor to add anything more from my sources (energy, attention and time) to the system in whatever role it would be – I quit my jobs as a teacher and educational journalist.
And that was just my starting point…
Knowing and naming everything I didn’t want anymore or at all led me to define what I needed and wanted. I started to daydream about possibilities and challenges this kind of life could bring, how would it look daily and how would I feel: if I planned my life this way, that I would be doing only what is good for my body, mind and soul and what I truly feel I want – without any outside expectations. And for the last few years I am learning how to build these visualisations in real life, step by step, with no rush I am unmaking three decades of indoctrination, programming and brainwashing. I am learning that rest and recharging is actually an investment not a waste of time or being unproductive. Reconnecting with my nature and rebuilding my holistic health (physical, mental and emotional) instead of relying on quick solutions, coping mechanisms and substitutes. The more I take care of myself the more I have the energy and will to collaborate, contribute and be active. Through hedonism and empiricism I am building a sustainable path towards collectivism.
